If this blog was a Victorian novel, I as the author would take the reader aside to tell them something that is pivotal to the plot. Here it goes: “Gentle reader, if you haven’t already figured it out, you are about to find out that the author has serious flaws. She is not a perfect Godly woman. While she attempts to handle the big stuff with faith and courage, the small stuff gets her every time.”
In all honesty, there are a few brothers and sisters of the Lord that I hope to never really see again this side of Heaven. God feels a little differently. I get to see a few almost on a weekly basis.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, Micah was born on April 9th. On April 1st, he played an April’s Fool joke on me. I had contractions all day and was miserable. During service that morning, the contractions were bad. I left service during prayer time and on my way out to the foyer my eye caught the eye of someone who fits in the above mentioned category.
I was not feeling my best physically. I did not feel beautiful. I could barely walk. I in no way had my game face on. She looked at my belly and then looked at me. At that moment, I saw her heart as God sees her. I was in pain because of the contractions, but she was in pain because her womb was empty. I recognized that look.
When I look back, that encounter was pivotal to starting this ministry. God showed me pain in others. A pain I understood, had endured and still feel. I don’t have years of spiritual insight into infertility, miscarriage or the loss of a child. I don’t have many answers and am still looking for a few. I am simply trying to be obedient to God and take a step of faith in this ministry. So gentle reader, the posts are now live. Keep in mind this author is flawed and falls short of the sight of God on a daily basis. I pray that God will open my eyes and open my heart so that when eyes meet, I will continue to recognize that look.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
It’s OK to Say Miscarriage
I’ve mentioned Marcie Beasley in a few posts. I would be remiss if I didn’t tell you how from the moment we met our lives intertwined. When I started working at Texas Tech, we had both just met the men we would marry. We married 1 month apart. Marcie became a grandmother and I became a mother for the first time in a few months span.
Marcie visited me almost weekly when I was home on maternity leave. Sometimes she held Micah while I took a shower. What a friend! When I returned to work, I found out I had to have surgery. Marcie sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers to let me know she was thinking of me. She also pulled some strings and got Micah into the daycare that had a long waiting list.
When Micah was two months old, Marcie was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She handled the diagnosis and treatment with grace that only a strong woman of God possessed. Right before she died, a huge party was thrown by Marcie’s friends. At the party, Marcie wrote a letter about how her faith was tested when she had a miscarriage and because she survived that she knew she had the faith to make it through this.
Marcie gave me a gift that day. It’s OK to talk about miscarriage. She was in the throes of a horrible illness and trying to keep smiling, but she also acknowledged the pain she experienced when she had a miscarriage almost 30 years ago.
Chris, Micah and I took Marcie and Steve dinner a few weeks later. Her daughter, Carol, was there and Carol played and laughed with Micah for almost 30 minutes. Marcie and I were hugging as we looked on. I said to her: "Look at Carol. She knows what's she is doing. She is going to be a great mom." Marcie replied: "The best!" That is the last time I saw Marcie alive.
Each day I take Micah to daycare I think of Marcie. She made it possible and he is thriving there. From time to time, I remember the last time I saw her. Sometimes I can still hear her laugh. And I take into the rest of my life the important lesson she taught me: “It’s OK to say miscarriage.”
Marcie visited me almost weekly when I was home on maternity leave. Sometimes she held Micah while I took a shower. What a friend! When I returned to work, I found out I had to have surgery. Marcie sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers to let me know she was thinking of me. She also pulled some strings and got Micah into the daycare that had a long waiting list.
When Micah was two months old, Marcie was diagnosed with a brain tumor. She handled the diagnosis and treatment with grace that only a strong woman of God possessed. Right before she died, a huge party was thrown by Marcie’s friends. At the party, Marcie wrote a letter about how her faith was tested when she had a miscarriage and because she survived that she knew she had the faith to make it through this.
Marcie gave me a gift that day. It’s OK to talk about miscarriage. She was in the throes of a horrible illness and trying to keep smiling, but she also acknowledged the pain she experienced when she had a miscarriage almost 30 years ago.
Chris, Micah and I took Marcie and Steve dinner a few weeks later. Her daughter, Carol, was there and Carol played and laughed with Micah for almost 30 minutes. Marcie and I were hugging as we looked on. I said to her: "Look at Carol. She knows what's she is doing. She is going to be a great mom." Marcie replied: "The best!" That is the last time I saw Marcie alive.
Each day I take Micah to daycare I think of Marcie. She made it possible and he is thriving there. From time to time, I remember the last time I saw her. Sometimes I can still hear her laugh. And I take into the rest of my life the important lesson she taught me: “It’s OK to say miscarriage.”
Uncelebrated Birthdays
In the August 2008 O Magazine, Elizabeth McCracken has an amazing story about losing a child. In “This Does Not Have to Be a Secret,” McCracken talks about reconciling the death or loss of a child and the funny anecdotes life brings. She also talks about wanting to share your loss as easily as sharing other life events, but not knowing how to do that. She is neutral in believing in God and I am a Believer, but I learned a lot from this article. It had healing words.
February 2nd. October 29th. These are days that should be filled with birthday parties, balloons, cakes and streamers. I know our babies are having a wonderful birthday party in Heaven and I know in time we will join them. I am asked why I feel the weight of these birthdays when I have a beautiful baby boy. God blessed me and some think that I am ungrateful. That is not the case.
Like McCracken, I am reconciling deep loss with the joys that living brings. The loss of my babies and the life of my son. I want him to know about these babies, but doubt I will ever be able to make him understand. Even though I never saw those baby’s faces, I knew them. They were a part of my body, a part of my heart and a part of my conscience. I believe life begins at conception. Our lives were woven at that point.
There are times that I turn a corner in my mind and the pain is as fresh as it was the days I lost our babies. Time, the birth of my son and the general progression of life has not eased that. I have no magic answers. I have yet to meet anyone (and God has sent me many angels with the same afflictions) that have truly reconciled this.
I am helpless in the grief I carry, but I have an edge. That is my faith. I believe that God does not give us more than we bear. In Psalms 139 it says that “He knew us in our mother’s womb.” He knew by babies. He loved my babies. And I believe that even though it was not His plan for us to live on earth together, that our mansion in heaven will be overflowing with our children.
February 2nd. October 29th. These are days that should be filled with birthday parties, balloons, cakes and streamers. I know our babies are having a wonderful birthday party in Heaven and I know in time we will join them. I am asked why I feel the weight of these birthdays when I have a beautiful baby boy. God blessed me and some think that I am ungrateful. That is not the case.
Like McCracken, I am reconciling deep loss with the joys that living brings. The loss of my babies and the life of my son. I want him to know about these babies, but doubt I will ever be able to make him understand. Even though I never saw those baby’s faces, I knew them. They were a part of my body, a part of my heart and a part of my conscience. I believe life begins at conception. Our lives were woven at that point.
There are times that I turn a corner in my mind and the pain is as fresh as it was the days I lost our babies. Time, the birth of my son and the general progression of life has not eased that. I have no magic answers. I have yet to meet anyone (and God has sent me many angels with the same afflictions) that have truly reconciled this.
I am helpless in the grief I carry, but I have an edge. That is my faith. I believe that God does not give us more than we bear. In Psalms 139 it says that “He knew us in our mother’s womb.” He knew by babies. He loved my babies. And I believe that even though it was not His plan for us to live on earth together, that our mansion in heaven will be overflowing with our children.
What I’ve Learned as a New Parent
1. God put grandparents, aunts and friends on this earth because as a new parent you have no idea what you are doing (1 month)
2. Dry cleaning does not remove spit up (2 months)
3. Five straight hours of sleep are a gift from God (3 months)
4. The $80-100 you spend on an exersaucer is worth every cent (4 months)
5. The first time he eats orange or green baby food is painful for both of you (5 months)
6. Finding the baby where you left him (on the floor playing or in the exersaucer) is priceless (6 months)
7. To a baby, French kissing a dog is no big deal and kinda fun (7 months)
8. A baby hat is not for warmth, it’s a new toy (8 months)
9. A baby can crawl anywhere (9 months)
10. Even if a baby can’t speak, he can certainly express his opinion (10 months)
11. If you are introducing self-feeding, be sure and check his ears before he goes to bed (11 months)
12. It’s true when they say babies learn more in their first year than adults learn in 5 years (12 months)
13. Snot, pee, blood, spit-up and poop will not kill you, it will only make you stronger (every month!)
2. Dry cleaning does not remove spit up (2 months)
3. Five straight hours of sleep are a gift from God (3 months)
4. The $80-100 you spend on an exersaucer is worth every cent (4 months)
5. The first time he eats orange or green baby food is painful for both of you (5 months)
6. Finding the baby where you left him (on the floor playing or in the exersaucer) is priceless (6 months)
7. To a baby, French kissing a dog is no big deal and kinda fun (7 months)
8. A baby hat is not for warmth, it’s a new toy (8 months)
9. A baby can crawl anywhere (9 months)
10. Even if a baby can’t speak, he can certainly express his opinion (10 months)
11. If you are introducing self-feeding, be sure and check his ears before he goes to bed (11 months)
12. It’s true when they say babies learn more in their first year than adults learn in 5 years (12 months)
13. Snot, pee, blood, spit-up and poop will not kill you, it will only make you stronger (every month!)
He Was Worth the Wait
Headlines of the Lubbock Avalanche Journal the day I went into the hospital were: “No spring fever, just snow, record cold.” We checked in on Easter—the coldest in Lubbock’s history. I really had hoped to have an Easter baby (imagine all of the parallels I could make to that), but Micah took his own sweet time coming into the world – 25 hours to be exact.
I was in awe the first time I saw his face. I was like “there you are. That’s what you look like.” Chris gave him his first bath and there was a lot of joy in the room. I had some serious complications, so I don’t remember much after that, but I do remember the potato salad that my friend Angie brought me. It was so good!
I was in awe the first time I saw his face. I was like “there you are. That’s what you look like.” Chris gave him his first bath and there was a lot of joy in the room. I had some serious complications, so I don’t remember much after that, but I do remember the potato salad that my friend Angie brought me. It was so good!
Micah’s birth was a joyous time, but not always an easy time. There was family drama and my health issues as well as the sleepless nights all new parents experience. I remember seeing my parents drive off and wondering what in the world I was going to do. And then Chris went to work. Good news is my mom came back 4 days later!
I was asked several times given the miscarriages and birth complications if I would do it all over again. In a heartbeat. One of our shower gifts was an onesie and hat that said “I Was Worth the Wait.” And Micah was definitely worth the wait!
Thursday, August 28, 2008
What a Difference a Year Makes
When I was a single girl about town in Dallas, my friend Laura and I vowed look back on the past year and see what a difference a year made. A year is a good time frame. Just enough time to gain perspective and relieve pain, yet not enough time to forget important if not minute details.
One of my baby showers was one year and one week to the day we lost our second baby. One year we were crying and hopeless, heartbroken and bewildered. The next I was sporting a huge belly, eating cake, opening presents and laughing. The former year we were burying plans we had for our little baby. The next we were looking at baby gifts and visualizing our future son wearing this outfit, playing with this toy or sleeping in his new crib.
That is monumental to me. I think it proves without doubt that God does restore us and that His ways are better than our ways.
Praise God .... what a difference a year makes.
One of my baby showers was one year and one week to the day we lost our second baby. One year we were crying and hopeless, heartbroken and bewildered. The next I was sporting a huge belly, eating cake, opening presents and laughing. The former year we were burying plans we had for our little baby. The next we were looking at baby gifts and visualizing our future son wearing this outfit, playing with this toy or sleeping in his new crib.
That is monumental to me. I think it proves without doubt that God does restore us and that His ways are better than our ways.
Praise God .... what a difference a year makes.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Apples and Chocolate Doughnuts
There is an Asian man who owns a wonderful doughnut store on 34th Street that is wondering why business has declined. By now he has probably quit looking for a gold Ford Explorer to arrive at 7:40 a.m. and order 2-3 chocolate glazed doughnuts. It’s also a good thing that there was not an apple epidemic while I was pregnant. Nothing satisfied more than a cold, crisp Granny Smith. Two apples a day keeps everything running OK!
I didn’t have many other cravings. I did suffer from heartburn and the “the fourth bite of anything (except apples and chocolate doughnuts) was horrible” syndrome. Like many pregnant women, I lamented the fact that maternity wear is not that cute, but felt the liberation of big tops and stretchy waists. At that time, I thought the Bella Band was the best invention ever.
I was fortunate and never got stretch marks and only gained 20 pounds. In all honesty, I rarely exercised when I was pregnant. I took the advice to rest often to heart. No one in their right mind would tell a pregnant woman to get of her rear and do something. My doctor said I was blessed with good genetics. I, however, like to believe that in the scheme of things an apple cancels out a chocolate doughnut every time.
I didn’t have many other cravings. I did suffer from heartburn and the “the fourth bite of anything (except apples and chocolate doughnuts) was horrible” syndrome. Like many pregnant women, I lamented the fact that maternity wear is not that cute, but felt the liberation of big tops and stretchy waists. At that time, I thought the Bella Band was the best invention ever.
I was fortunate and never got stretch marks and only gained 20 pounds. In all honesty, I rarely exercised when I was pregnant. I took the advice to rest often to heart. No one in their right mind would tell a pregnant woman to get of her rear and do something. My doctor said I was blessed with good genetics. I, however, like to believe that in the scheme of things an apple cancels out a chocolate doughnut every time.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Trust Me When I Say It Was Not Just Hormones
Our infertility story is not complete without this post. This post allows God and His glory to shine.
I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was making a presentation for my team at work. On the screen, clear as day, was shocking and incomprehensible news. I left the meeting, locked myself in my office and my co-workers drove me home at 5:00. Later that night I told Chris. He had no idea. We were both shocked and devastated.
The news received that day made adoption impossible. I am adopted and God had his Hand on me in my birth mother’s womb. He appointed the best parents possible to raise me. I had always dreamed of paying it forward and adopting a child of my own.
Adopting a child from China has been on my heart for many years and Chris heard the call at a Steven Curtis Chapman concert. I was filling out the packet with an agency in Austin and was in the middle of the application when we found out we were pregnant. The case worker told me congratulations and to call back when our baby was a year.
She was very surprised to hear back from me so soon. I told her the news and asked her how this affected our application. She did not hesitate and told me that China would not let us adopt. She said we stood a chance if we moved and had proof of a severed relationship. Chris and I talked and did not believe moving was God’s plan for us.
I called a judge that I know in Lubbock. I ran the facts by him and he said he did not think a private adoption in Lubbock County was highly likely. He, too, encouraged us to move if we wanted to expand our family by adoption.
After those two calls, I was almost paralyzed by anger. How could Chris and I be punished for something we did not do and didn’t even know about? I justified my anger by claiming we were educated professionals who were contributing positively to society each day and had a strong marriage and relationship with God.
I called a mentor of mine in Dallas. He gave me sage advice to not address this head on while I was hormonal. I believe the word “hormones” was later thrown around in a cavalier manner and became a joke at my expense. Believe me, it was not just the hormones.
Three days later, I had lunch with Gloria Toti, our pastor’s wife. I told her what happened. She has a beautiful spirit and is wise beyond her years. We talked for hours, but what I remember is this. She told me “God provided for you in this. You are 13 weeks pregnant. This baby will be born. God meant for you to find this out, but He gave you a blessing first.” My newly found motherly instincts kicked in and I knew I needed to put the anger aside so that the baby felt pure love during my pregnancy.
These posts are written in retrospect, so jump forward two years to present time. I am still angry. It is something I battle daily and God is showing me much through it. I mourn my Chinese daughter. A friend and I went to see Sex and the City and I cried the entire time because Charlotte’s daughter was so beautiful. I threw away the latest Pottery Barn Kid’s catalogue (my favorite catalogue in the world) because the cover model was a beautiful Chinese girl. I see girls in the store and cry. When I watch Beijing on the Olympics, I wonder what our trip there would have been like. I have mourned the death of the Chapman’s daughter. I can’t imagine.
In the past two years, China has made their requirements stricter. Doors are closing. I was asked recently if I knew what it was like to chase a dream. I do and I have learned what it feels like when a dream is shattered. I still believe that God is bigger than any situation and that His plans are better than my plans. He has been faithful and that’s not going to change. That’s how I deal with my grief.
I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was making a presentation for my team at work. On the screen, clear as day, was shocking and incomprehensible news. I left the meeting, locked myself in my office and my co-workers drove me home at 5:00. Later that night I told Chris. He had no idea. We were both shocked and devastated.
The news received that day made adoption impossible. I am adopted and God had his Hand on me in my birth mother’s womb. He appointed the best parents possible to raise me. I had always dreamed of paying it forward and adopting a child of my own.
Adopting a child from China has been on my heart for many years and Chris heard the call at a Steven Curtis Chapman concert. I was filling out the packet with an agency in Austin and was in the middle of the application when we found out we were pregnant. The case worker told me congratulations and to call back when our baby was a year.
She was very surprised to hear back from me so soon. I told her the news and asked her how this affected our application. She did not hesitate and told me that China would not let us adopt. She said we stood a chance if we moved and had proof of a severed relationship. Chris and I talked and did not believe moving was God’s plan for us.
I called a judge that I know in Lubbock. I ran the facts by him and he said he did not think a private adoption in Lubbock County was highly likely. He, too, encouraged us to move if we wanted to expand our family by adoption.
After those two calls, I was almost paralyzed by anger. How could Chris and I be punished for something we did not do and didn’t even know about? I justified my anger by claiming we were educated professionals who were contributing positively to society each day and had a strong marriage and relationship with God.
I called a mentor of mine in Dallas. He gave me sage advice to not address this head on while I was hormonal. I believe the word “hormones” was later thrown around in a cavalier manner and became a joke at my expense. Believe me, it was not just the hormones.
Three days later, I had lunch with Gloria Toti, our pastor’s wife. I told her what happened. She has a beautiful spirit and is wise beyond her years. We talked for hours, but what I remember is this. She told me “God provided for you in this. You are 13 weeks pregnant. This baby will be born. God meant for you to find this out, but He gave you a blessing first.” My newly found motherly instincts kicked in and I knew I needed to put the anger aside so that the baby felt pure love during my pregnancy.
These posts are written in retrospect, so jump forward two years to present time. I am still angry. It is something I battle daily and God is showing me much through it. I mourn my Chinese daughter. A friend and I went to see Sex and the City and I cried the entire time because Charlotte’s daughter was so beautiful. I threw away the latest Pottery Barn Kid’s catalogue (my favorite catalogue in the world) because the cover model was a beautiful Chinese girl. I see girls in the store and cry. When I watch Beijing on the Olympics, I wonder what our trip there would have been like. I have mourned the death of the Chapman’s daughter. I can’t imagine.
In the past two years, China has made their requirements stricter. Doors are closing. I was asked recently if I knew what it was like to chase a dream. I do and I have learned what it feels like when a dream is shattered. I still believe that God is bigger than any situation and that His plans are better than my plans. He has been faithful and that’s not going to change. That’s how I deal with my grief.
They Call Me the Space Cowboy
I think I will be 70 years old and asked to name one of the happiest moments in my life and it will be the day of our eight week ultrasound. My mom and dad were in town, so mom went with us to the ultrasound. I was praying the entire time. I was beyond nervous. This is where things went wrong last time. Dr. Jabara saw the heartbeat, we heard the heartbeat and then we saw an amazing sight on the big screen. Our baby danced. Through the moving and grooving the baby was saying “look at me. I have a heartbeat and I can entertain!” Not only did the baby dance, so did rest of us with Dr. Jabara leading the way!
I remember being so excited the first time I felt movement. It was amazing! Movement was meant to be a huge part of my pregnancy. Peak moments for dancing or gymnastics were during the bath (which was supposed to relax me) and moments of deep sleep. Bless the little baby who slept during the day when mommy was dragging, exhausted from the nights of feeling the space cowboy.
I remember being so excited the first time I felt movement. It was amazing! Movement was meant to be a huge part of my pregnancy. Peak moments for dancing or gymnastics were during the bath (which was supposed to relax me) and moments of deep sleep. Bless the little baby who slept during the day when mommy was dragging, exhausted from the nights of feeling the space cowboy.
The Conception and the Call
Whether you are a Bell woman by birth, marriage, adoption or some other fashion, you will carry a resolve and determination that will get you through anything. Bell women are survivors. We have true grit. It was time to prove I was worthy of the name. I felt God’s prompting and it was time to try again. My parents upped the ante. They did not want us to go into debt and helped us financially.
We began the entire IUI process in July. Looking back this was a crazy idea. My parents were both in the hospital for hernia procedures. I was visiting my mom and giving myself shots in the hospital bathroom. I had to leave to take a blood test and it was time for the procedure. The final ultrasound was a little disheartening. Instead of having two healthy ovaries with multiple follicles, I had one working ovary with just two follicles.
I did not get my hopes up. The odds were against us on this one and I had psyched myself to expect bad news. I was sitting in Marcie Beasley’s office when Tammy, Dr. Jabara’s nurse, called me. She was so excited and the results were positive. Again, Marcie said: “I can’t believe it. You are pregnant?” I have to apologize to Chris that Marcie was there for both calls. But, this was not an accident and in a subsequent post, I’ll reveal why.As I said, Bell women have resolve. We also don’t have many secrets. We talk about when babies are conceived, it’s just something we do. My cousin Shelby Kate was born on the day we conceived. I got the call about her birth on the way to my procedure. Shelby has taught our family so much about love and she must have an extra dose of Bell blood—she is amazing.
We began the entire IUI process in July. Looking back this was a crazy idea. My parents were both in the hospital for hernia procedures. I was visiting my mom and giving myself shots in the hospital bathroom. I had to leave to take a blood test and it was time for the procedure. The final ultrasound was a little disheartening. Instead of having two healthy ovaries with multiple follicles, I had one working ovary with just two follicles.
I did not get my hopes up. The odds were against us on this one and I had psyched myself to expect bad news. I was sitting in Marcie Beasley’s office when Tammy, Dr. Jabara’s nurse, called me. She was so excited and the results were positive. Again, Marcie said: “I can’t believe it. You are pregnant?” I have to apologize to Chris that Marcie was there for both calls. But, this was not an accident and in a subsequent post, I’ll reveal why.As I said, Bell women have resolve. We also don’t have many secrets. We talk about when babies are conceived, it’s just something we do. My cousin Shelby Kate was born on the day we conceived. I got the call about her birth on the way to my procedure. Shelby has taught our family so much about love and she must have an extra dose of Bell blood—she is amazing.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
A Cold and Jaded Heart
Knowing God sent Dr. Jabara to us helped with the call after the pathology report. There was no explanation for why this happened to our baby girl. A daughter, a lost daughter and absolutely no answers.
Michael W. Smith could not have said it better in his song “Breathe in Me," in which Smith admits he's far from the perfect Christian: "I used to be so sensitive to the light that leads to where you are...now I've acquired these calluses, With the darkness of a cold and jaded heart."
I believed that God withheld blessing. I was angry at God and my prayer life was absent. I was jealous and angry towards anyone who turned up pregnant during that time. I can’t count the number of times I was rude to a pregnant teenager in Wal-Mart or Target. I was constantly asked “when are you trying again?” I wanted to shout in their faces “are you kidding me? I don’t want another baby…I want THAT baby!” Physical intimacy was non-existent.
Chris remained strong for us. I knew he loved me and felt the loss as well, but he continued reading his Bible and praying. There were Sundays he had to make me go to service. Our love deepened during that time and I knew I was married to a man committed to our marriage and to me. He wanted the baby as much as I did, but he also wanted to take care of me.
It was a dark time for me spiritually. I felt the calluses Smith wrote about and I had a cold and jaded heart to prove it.
Michael W. Smith could not have said it better in his song “Breathe in Me," in which Smith admits he's far from the perfect Christian: "I used to be so sensitive to the light that leads to where you are...now I've acquired these calluses, With the darkness of a cold and jaded heart."
I believed that God withheld blessing. I was angry at God and my prayer life was absent. I was jealous and angry towards anyone who turned up pregnant during that time. I can’t count the number of times I was rude to a pregnant teenager in Wal-Mart or Target. I was constantly asked “when are you trying again?” I wanted to shout in their faces “are you kidding me? I don’t want another baby…I want THAT baby!” Physical intimacy was non-existent.
Chris remained strong for us. I knew he loved me and felt the loss as well, but he continued reading his Bible and praying. There were Sundays he had to make me go to service. Our love deepened during that time and I knew I was married to a man committed to our marriage and to me. He wanted the baby as much as I did, but he also wanted to take care of me.
It was a dark time for me spiritually. I felt the calluses Smith wrote about and I had a cold and jaded heart to prove it.
There is No Heartbeat
We were nervous about the first ultrasound. But it went fine. Come back in a week. The next ultrasound was to check for a heartbeat. I don’t remember much about what happened, but there was no heartbeat. Just heartache. I was scheduled for a D&C two days later and then sent home to recover.
We had shared with our friends and family that we were trying to get pregnant. We needed prayerful support during this time. I have no idea how many we had told, but we did feel the outpouring of love from so many people.
God also revealed Himself in the ultrasound room. Dr. Jabara was visibly upset and we knew he cared about us as people and not just patients. He told us he believed and did we know what that meant. We shared that we trusted God and we believed. We knew then that God had appointed Dr. Jabara to our case.
We had shared with our friends and family that we were trying to get pregnant. We needed prayerful support during this time. I have no idea how many we had told, but we did feel the outpouring of love from so many people.
God also revealed Himself in the ultrasound room. Dr. Jabara was visibly upset and we knew he cared about us as people and not just patients. He told us he believed and did we know what that meant. We shared that we trusted God and we believed. We knew then that God had appointed Dr. Jabara to our case.
Helps Comes from Lebanon via Philadelphia
I knew within a short time that I needed a new OBGYN and providence provided one. At a work function I met a friend who got me into a wonderful OBGYN, Dr. Kellie Flood-Schaffer. One visit to her office and I was referred to her new partner, Dr. Sami Jabara, a fertility specialist and endocrinologist. Dr. Jabara was born and raised in Lebanon and had left his practice in Philadelphia for a faculty position at the Texas Tech Health Sciences Center.
I knew right away I would like Dr. Jabara and his staff. After tests, more tests and laparoscopic surgery for endometriosis, it was time to actively try to get pregnant. Dr. Jabara joked that sometimes all it took was to sit in his office and the couple would turn out pregnant before their next appointment. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen with us, but I did leave that appointment feeling like a part of a team. It was nice to have someone else monitor my cycle and give me directions.
We decided I was a candidate for intra-uterine insemination (IUI). Dr. Jabara presented us with the costs and we felt blessed. I had insurance that would pay 50% of all ultrasounds and procedures as well as 50% of drug costs. We had savings to pay for the rest and would not incur debt. We felt this was God’s blessing to go for it. We entered into the process in full faith and trust that if God meant for this to work, then it would. If this was not His timing, then it would not work.
Two weeks later I was taking daily shots and waiting to get the go ahead for the HcG injection. During this cycle, Dr. Jabara’s nurse told us to give it a try the old fashioned way, but it had to be in next two hours. Can’t imagine how fast Chris drove from Levelland to make it home! Don’t worry, we made our deadline.
We really didn’t know what to expect when it was time for the IUI. By this point we had our fair share of tests, needles, time in the private room and experience with the “special” ultrasound. We were nervous, but so very excited. It took no time at all and while I was resting afterwards, we held hands and dreamed about the future.
I don’t remember obsessing about symptoms the way I had in prior months. The fertility drugs make you feel like you are pregnant anyway, so it was useless to monitor the symptoms. I was exhausted and cramped.
Ten days later Dr. Jabara’s nurse, Lisa called. I was standing in a conference room at work and had to sit down. I could not believe it. One of my co-workers, Marcie Beasley was there. She looked at me, laughed and said, “I know that look. You are pregnant!” We found out the day before Valentine’s Day 2006 and could not think of a better Valentine.
I knew right away I would like Dr. Jabara and his staff. After tests, more tests and laparoscopic surgery for endometriosis, it was time to actively try to get pregnant. Dr. Jabara joked that sometimes all it took was to sit in his office and the couple would turn out pregnant before their next appointment. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen with us, but I did leave that appointment feeling like a part of a team. It was nice to have someone else monitor my cycle and give me directions.
We decided I was a candidate for intra-uterine insemination (IUI). Dr. Jabara presented us with the costs and we felt blessed. I had insurance that would pay 50% of all ultrasounds and procedures as well as 50% of drug costs. We had savings to pay for the rest and would not incur debt. We felt this was God’s blessing to go for it. We entered into the process in full faith and trust that if God meant for this to work, then it would. If this was not His timing, then it would not work.
Two weeks later I was taking daily shots and waiting to get the go ahead for the HcG injection. During this cycle, Dr. Jabara’s nurse told us to give it a try the old fashioned way, but it had to be in next two hours. Can’t imagine how fast Chris drove from Levelland to make it home! Don’t worry, we made our deadline.
We really didn’t know what to expect when it was time for the IUI. By this point we had our fair share of tests, needles, time in the private room and experience with the “special” ultrasound. We were nervous, but so very excited. It took no time at all and while I was resting afterwards, we held hands and dreamed about the future.
I don’t remember obsessing about symptoms the way I had in prior months. The fertility drugs make you feel like you are pregnant anyway, so it was useless to monitor the symptoms. I was exhausted and cramped.
Ten days later Dr. Jabara’s nurse, Lisa called. I was standing in a conference room at work and had to sit down. I could not believe it. One of my co-workers, Marcie Beasley was there. She looked at me, laughed and said, “I know that look. You are pregnant!” We found out the day before Valentine’s Day 2006 and could not think of a better Valentine.
Friday, August 8, 2008
We Don’t Know What Happened
As I said, the pregnancy test was positive on Sunday and just to be sure I made a doctor appointment the following Tuesday. They drew blood and called me an hour later. I can still hear the nurse say “PREGNANT!” I had a hard time trusting the home pregnancy test and was relieved to hear those words.
Four hours later I went to the bathroom. Bright red blood. I was at work and screamed inside my head “no! No! NO!” I called the doctor and they said to monitor the bleeding. It is usual to spot and not to worry . Two hours later, things were bad. I miscarried and the words of the nurse still sting “we don’t really know what happened.” I asked if I should come in and she said my body would naturally take care of things because I wasn’t that far along. I almost hated her and the doctor at the moment. I needed to see someone. I had just lost my baby!
Even though I had only known I was pregnant for a few days, I loved that baby. I had big plans for that baby. I could not wait until February to meet that baby. The pain was almost unbearable. Both physically and emotionally, I was not equipped to deal with the loss of the baby. I stayed home for a week and cried. Good friends emailed and visited and brought me words of encouragement. God did send me many angels. He was faithful and did provide. It just wasn’t what I had in mind. We were encouraged to wait two months and try again.
Four hours later I went to the bathroom. Bright red blood. I was at work and screamed inside my head “no! No! NO!” I called the doctor and they said to monitor the bleeding. It is usual to spot and not to worry . Two hours later, things were bad. I miscarried and the words of the nurse still sting “we don’t really know what happened.” I asked if I should come in and she said my body would naturally take care of things because I wasn’t that far along. I almost hated her and the doctor at the moment. I needed to see someone. I had just lost my baby!
Even though I had only known I was pregnant for a few days, I loved that baby. I had big plans for that baby. I could not wait until February to meet that baby. The pain was almost unbearable. Both physically and emotionally, I was not equipped to deal with the loss of the baby. I stayed home for a week and cried. Good friends emailed and visited and brought me words of encouragement. God did send me many angels. He was faithful and did provide. It just wasn’t what I had in mind. We were encouraged to wait two months and try again.
Faith, Hope and Love
Chris and I married October 22, 2004. We decided before we got married that we would let God decide when to start our family. Like many newly married couples, we were hopeful about the future, had absolute faith in God because He had brought us together and were madly in love. And like many newlyweds, we our fair share of adjustments.
This seems like a good time to interject that we are not very compatible. I love the ocean, he can’t stand the smell. He loves the mountains, I am allergic to pine trees. He hates coffee. It is my favorite indulgence. His parents divorced when he was four, my parents have been married 58 years and counting. But we do have a few things in common. We love Red Raider football, making our house a home, teaching Bible study and above all things God. We usually joke that God must have a keen sense of humor. He watches us daily and just laughs.
We decided to actively start trying. Enter the fertility cycle, which went something like this. Look at the calendar. We have to have sex. Have sex again. I am ovulating. Look at the calendar. Ten days until test day. Do I feel tired? Are my boobs sore? Was that implantation spotting? Look at the calendar. My period is a day late. Take a test. Negative. Three hours later I started my period. The fertility cycle quickly became a vicious cycle. After my period started, I was depressed for almost a week. Then I had a week to get my game on. It was almost day 12--magic day to start trying again.
We went through this for six months. I was three days late and bought a digital pregnancy test because I wanted to be sure. The word in the magic window was "PREGNANT!" Wahoo! We found out on a Sunday morning and had a smug smile during worship service. During prayer time, I prayed a simple prayer of “thank you, Lord. Praise you father. You were faithful and provided.”
I called my mom and two close friends that day. We decided they were the short list and would tell everyone else as time progressed. Sharing in the good news was one of my dearest friends, Laura. She was also pregnant. I was amazed we would share this journey. Gratitude was lifted up again.
This seems like a good time to interject that we are not very compatible. I love the ocean, he can’t stand the smell. He loves the mountains, I am allergic to pine trees. He hates coffee. It is my favorite indulgence. His parents divorced when he was four, my parents have been married 58 years and counting. But we do have a few things in common. We love Red Raider football, making our house a home, teaching Bible study and above all things God. We usually joke that God must have a keen sense of humor. He watches us daily and just laughs.
We decided to actively start trying. Enter the fertility cycle, which went something like this. Look at the calendar. We have to have sex. Have sex again. I am ovulating. Look at the calendar. Ten days until test day. Do I feel tired? Are my boobs sore? Was that implantation spotting? Look at the calendar. My period is a day late. Take a test. Negative. Three hours later I started my period. The fertility cycle quickly became a vicious cycle. After my period started, I was depressed for almost a week. Then I had a week to get my game on. It was almost day 12--magic day to start trying again.
We went through this for six months. I was three days late and bought a digital pregnancy test because I wanted to be sure. The word in the magic window was "PREGNANT!" Wahoo! We found out on a Sunday morning and had a smug smile during worship service. During prayer time, I prayed a simple prayer of “thank you, Lord. Praise you father. You were faithful and provided.”
I called my mom and two close friends that day. We decided they were the short list and would tell everyone else as time progressed. Sharing in the good news was one of my dearest friends, Laura. She was also pregnant. I was amazed we would share this journey. Gratitude was lifted up again.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Disclaimer
I want to be clear that the thoughts and words expressed in this blog are my own and do not represent my husband Chris. He has his own thoughts and words which I hope he will share at some point. He is my soul mate and partner and we have shared what you are about to read. Just keep in mind the view is slanted.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Birth of a Child, Birth of a Ministry, Birth of a Blog
On my iGoogle, I have an entire page of RSS feeds for the blogs of my friends and family. I love reading the blogs—there are a few I can’t wait to read! Even though we are all in different cities, states or even countries, I feel like I’m sharing in their lives on a frequent basis. I know the funny stories and have seen pictures of the highlight of the day. I am watching some of their kids grow up.
I’ve also learned some lessons on what makes a good blog and what doesn’t. Noted lessons applied here. I am launching this blog without a blog design. That is something I’ll explore over the weeks to come. (Hints are welcome).
When considering the name for my blog. I replicated the approach my brother John took when his kids were born. You have to see the baby, hold the baby and get to know the baby before you give the baby a name. That was before ultra sounds and each birth was a surprise, but that’s how I feel about this blog. I needed to see it take shape before I gave it a name.
I chose the baby anecdote because it fits my purpose. For the past year, God has been gently nudging me to forge ahead with a new ministry. A ministry that seemed too hard . A ministry that would stretch me. A ministry that I initially did not feel equipped to lead. A ministry that I needed at a point in my life, but could not find my city.
God used a year’s worth of research, discussion, constant prayer and preparation to bring me to this point. In the next few posts, you will read our infertility story. I share this story because God was faithful. Every scripture I’ve read about God’s faithfulness proved to be true. He was faithful with in the good times and in the bad times. He. Was. Faithful.
The subsequent posts will journal God's work as we experience it. The birth of a son, the birth of a ministry and the birth of this blog. Open Heart, Empty Arms is a term I've heard time and time again when I would read about infertility. I can't think of a phrase captures the feeling better. By reading this blog, you are joining me in a journey of faith. God bless.
I’ve also learned some lessons on what makes a good blog and what doesn’t. Noted lessons applied here. I am launching this blog without a blog design. That is something I’ll explore over the weeks to come. (Hints are welcome).
When considering the name for my blog. I replicated the approach my brother John took when his kids were born. You have to see the baby, hold the baby and get to know the baby before you give the baby a name. That was before ultra sounds and each birth was a surprise, but that’s how I feel about this blog. I needed to see it take shape before I gave it a name.
I chose the baby anecdote because it fits my purpose. For the past year, God has been gently nudging me to forge ahead with a new ministry. A ministry that seemed too hard . A ministry that would stretch me. A ministry that I initially did not feel equipped to lead. A ministry that I needed at a point in my life, but could not find my city.
God used a year’s worth of research, discussion, constant prayer and preparation to bring me to this point. In the next few posts, you will read our infertility story. I share this story because God was faithful. Every scripture I’ve read about God’s faithfulness proved to be true. He was faithful with in the good times and in the bad times. He. Was. Faithful.
The subsequent posts will journal God's work as we experience it. The birth of a son, the birth of a ministry and the birth of this blog. Open Heart, Empty Arms is a term I've heard time and time again when I would read about infertility. I can't think of a phrase captures the feeling better. By reading this blog, you are joining me in a journey of faith. God bless.
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