A Cold and Jaded Heart

Knowing God sent Dr. Jabara to us helped with the call after the pathology report. There was no explanation for why this happened to our baby girl. A daughter, a lost daughter and absolutely no answers.
Michael W. Smith could not have said it better in his song “Breathe in Me," in which Smith admits he's far from the perfect Christian: "I used to be so sensitive to the light that leads to where you are...now I've acquired these calluses, With the darkness of a cold and jaded heart."
I believed that God withheld blessing. I was angry at God and my prayer life was absent. I was jealous and angry towards anyone who turned up pregnant during that time. I can’t count the number of times I was rude to a pregnant teenager in Wal-Mart or Target. I was constantly asked “when are you trying again?” I wanted to shout in their faces “are you kidding me? I don’t want another baby…I want THAT baby!” Physical intimacy was non-existent.
Chris remained strong for us. I knew he loved me and felt the loss as well, but he continued reading his Bible and praying. There were Sundays he had to make me go to service. Our love deepened during that time and I knew I was married to a man committed to our marriage and to me. He wanted the baby as much as I did, but he also wanted to take care of me.
It was a dark time for me spiritually. I felt the calluses Smith wrote about and I had a cold and jaded heart to prove it.