Uncelebrated Birthdays

In the August 2008 O Magazine, Elizabeth McCracken has an amazing story about losing a child. In “This Does Not Have to Be a Secret,” McCracken talks about reconciling the death or loss of a child and the funny anecdotes life brings. She also talks about wanting to share your loss as easily as sharing other life events, but not knowing how to do that. She is neutral in believing in God and I am a Believer, but I learned a lot from this article. It had healing words.
February 2nd. October 29th. These are days that should be filled with birthday parties, balloons, cakes and streamers. I know our babies are having a wonderful birthday party in Heaven and I know in time we will join them. I am asked why I feel the weight of these birthdays when I have a beautiful baby boy. God blessed me and some think that I am ungrateful. That is not the case.
Like McCracken, I am reconciling deep loss with the joys that living brings. The loss of my babies and the life of my son. I want him to know about these babies, but doubt I will ever be able to make him understand. Even though I never saw those baby’s faces, I knew them. They were a part of my body, a part of my heart and a part of my conscience. I believe life begins at conception. Our lives were woven at that point.
There are times that I turn a corner in my mind and the pain is as fresh as it was the days I lost our babies. Time, the birth of my son and the general progression of life has not eased that. I have no magic answers. I have yet to meet anyone (and God has sent me many angels with the same afflictions) that have truly reconciled this.
I am helpless in the grief I carry, but I have an edge. That is my faith. I believe that God does not give us more than we bear. In Psalms 139 it says that “He knew us in our mother’s womb.” He knew by babies. He loved my babies. And I believe that even though it was not His plan for us to live on earth together, that our mansion in heaven will be overflowing with our children.