Trust Me When I Say It Was Not Just Hormones

Our infertility story is not complete without this post. This post allows God and His glory to shine.
I remember the day like it was yesterday. I was making a presentation for my team at work. On the screen, clear as day, was shocking and incomprehensible news. I left the meeting, locked myself in my office and my co-workers drove me home at 5:00. Later that night I told Chris. He had no idea. We were both shocked and devastated.
The news received that day made adoption impossible. I am adopted and God had his Hand on me in my birth mother’s womb. He appointed the best parents possible to raise me. I had always dreamed of paying it forward and adopting a child of my own.
Adopting a child from China has been on my heart for many years and Chris heard the call at a Steven Curtis Chapman concert. I was filling out the packet with an agency in Austin and was in the middle of the application when we found out we were pregnant. The case worker told me congratulations and to call back when our baby was a year.
She was very surprised to hear back from me so soon. I told her the news and asked her how this affected our application. She did not hesitate and told me that China would not let us adopt. She said we stood a chance if we moved and had proof of a severed relationship. Chris and I talked and did not believe moving was God’s plan for us.
I called a judge that I know in Lubbock. I ran the facts by him and he said he did not think a private adoption in Lubbock County was highly likely. He, too, encouraged us to move if we wanted to expand our family by adoption.
After those two calls, I was almost paralyzed by anger. How could Chris and I be punished for something we did not do and didn’t even know about? I justified my anger by claiming we were educated professionals who were contributing positively to society each day and had a strong marriage and relationship with God.
I called a mentor of mine in Dallas. He gave me sage advice to not address this head on while I was hormonal. I believe the word “hormones” was later thrown around in a cavalier manner and became a joke at my expense. Believe me, it was not just the hormones.
Three days later, I had lunch with Gloria Toti, our pastor’s wife. I told her what happened. She has a beautiful spirit and is wise beyond her years. We talked for hours, but what I remember is this. She told me “God provided for you in this. You are 13 weeks pregnant. This baby will be born. God meant for you to find this out, but He gave you a blessing first.” My newly found motherly instincts kicked in and I knew I needed to put the anger aside so that the baby felt pure love during my pregnancy.
These posts are written in retrospect, so jump forward two years to present time. I am still angry. It is something I battle daily and God is showing me much through it. I mourn my Chinese daughter. A friend and I went to see Sex and the City and I cried the entire time because Charlotte’s daughter was so beautiful. I threw away the latest Pottery Barn Kid’s catalogue (my favorite catalogue in the world) because the cover model was a beautiful Chinese girl. I see girls in the store and cry. When I watch Beijing on the Olympics, I wonder what our trip there would have been like. I have mourned the death of the Chapman’s daughter. I can’t imagine.
In the past two years, China has made their requirements stricter. Doors are closing. I was asked recently if I knew what it was like to chase a dream. I do and I have learned what it feels like when a dream is shattered. I still believe that God is bigger than any situation and that His plans are better than my plans. He has been faithful and that’s not going to change. That’s how I deal with my grief.